As I stared out the window,I was trying to comprehend the strange feeling I was enfolded in...
It wasn't sadness,definitely not glee,I was cold,it was really early morning,and the AC in the Volvo I was traveling in kept the air quite chilly.Around me there was a mixed group of people,old,young,really young.I also spotted a girl I knew by face from college. I did not acknowledge her,nor did she acknowledge me.I guess the feeling of detachment towards our Alma mater and everyone a part of it was mutual.
The bus rolled on. There was deep melancholy coupled with a sense of relief.
The sentiment wasn't very comfortable.I was at loss,because it seemed that I had to resign myself to the fact that fate still refused to take on my responsibility, and it was all on me again...Rather it continued to be all on me.this was familiar.I went back into time,to the evening at the Bandra-east bus depot,it was evening,after I got all my stuff loaded into the holding carrier of the bus,I hugged my mother.it still hadn't registered in either of us that I was moving out.Even then I was aware that it was all on me..I was on my own now...Both of us shed some tears.
Engineering college had been tough.In the second year itself I realized that I lacked the astute reasoning of an engineer.I struggled through most of my exams,at one point almost failed a year. I tried hard.when friends partied,I stayed home,and still managed to only scrape through like all others.I marveled at my strength,which still feels like foolishness at how I trudged along the four years ,sat through excruciatingly long, senseless(to me),complex and befuddling lectures.Even though I tried hard,I think my genuine lack of interest did not help in making things easier.
and yet I trudged along,chained and bounded by no one but my mind.
Of course all this is in retrospection.Retrospective rationalization. If only..
The bus stopped at a rest stop,I was surprised that it had covered so much distance.In my stupor,I did not realize.I checked my phone,saw couple of missed calls and messages,and I smiled.Somehow the last four years seemed worth it,at least for those few moments.it was my friend Druki calling to know if I was alright. I still have those moments of reassurance.